Monday, May 30, 2011

Do you lose respect for me because I love 'Gossip Girl?'

It's a little embarrassing for me to admit but I think it is time I came out and admitted it - owned up to my secret shame.  I love watching 'Gossip Girl.'  My Tuesday night special.  In the lead up to watching it I tell myself that I don't need to watch it.  I can't even really remember why I love it.  I can convince myself that it is not my type of show.  But then it starts.  And immediately I am drawn in.  I am hooked onto every unrealistic, far-fetched and often ludicrous story lines as though it was happening in my world.  Even though the 'upper-east New York socialite' lives of the characters couldn't be any further from my own reality.  I'm not sure there is even a character I really like (except Dan Humphrey - the oh-so-stereotypical brooding, smart, hot writer).  But I think we all need that 'escape' show.  The one that we watch half wishing we had lives like that - but the other half breathes a sigh of relief that we don't have to deal with that level of drama weekly (I hope!).  But I would love to be able to 'pull-off' the fashions (and have the money to do so!).  And I would love the seemingly lack of awareness of consequences that, while causing much short-term heartache, their resilience allows them to 'bounce' back so quickly (usually into the next drama).  I'm not sure I'd have the resilience and perseverance to handle it all!  Maybe they are a good role model for us - in dealing with, and overcoming, conflict!  See, I really have just talked (written?) myself into a real, legitimate and shameless reason for watching 'Gossip Girl.'  Do you have a 'secret shame' show that you are ready to 'out' yourself with?  Be brave.
Well, now I'm off, it's Tuesday night and I have to escape into my show! 

Expectations

So over the last week I have found myself regularly frustrated with other people (I'm talking mainly work-related).  And I couldn't work out why.  But everyday there seemed to be something new that caused me to either emotionally implode - or thankfully - find a friend to have a good vent to.  In assessment of the reasons for my lack of patience and understanding I discovered a common cause.  Me.  More specifically, my expectations.  My frustrations were formed from others not meeting my expectations.  In all sorts of ways.  But always the same - not meeting what I consider the 'acceptable.'  Which has led me to a bit of a self exploration.  Is it me who needs to change?  Do I need to adjust my expectations?  Will this alleviate my frustrations? 
But then I think that having expectations is a good thing.  That I shouldn't accept less.  That being frustrated is a reasonable reaction when others don't meet that expectation. 
But then I have to remember that only I am aware of these expectations.  That it is me who controls what I expect.  That I control how I react.  And that it is my challenge to be able to deal with this frustration in a positive way - by finding a way to be assertive (and constructive) in making others aware of my feelings, or to simply 'suck it up!'
I also have to remember that I am probably (!) not meeting the expectations of others and providing them with the same sort of frustrations!  I guess it's 'expectations karma!'  Actually, on that note, I hope this musing lives up to your expectations :)

Call me crazy...

If a person who is clearly crazy, is talking to you about something and does the crazy sign (fingers twirling around the side of head, tongue poking out), does that then cancel the crazy and make them sane?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My own eyes

I need a holiday from me
A break from my mind
To lose connection with my world
All of my world
Disappear into another existence
separate the me I am now
with the me I want to be
Maybe then I can get some perspective
Realise my priorities
Know what I really want
Find out what I miss
Find out what I can live without
Get to know me without seeing
myself through the eyes of others
Finally see me through my own eyes.

What is compromise?

What is it to compromise?  We are told it is the cornerstone of successful relationships - romantic, friendship, with colleagues.  To find a common ground, meet each other half way, give a little to get a little, concede something to get something, sacrifice to make it work.  It requires considering the needs and wants of others.  It requires working with another to come to an agreement.  It all seems logical and reasonable.  It sounds wise.  It means everyone will be happy.  Everyone gets something.  Everyone is considerate and understanding.  But is it really this ideal?  Should we always look to compromise?  Is there a time when we can, and should, reject the compromise and want it all for ourselves?  Maybe compromise isn't all it's supposed to be - the way to resolve conflict and 'make everyone happy.'  Maybe sometimes it's better to get it all.  I am avoiding labelling it 'selfish' as I don't believe that wanting it all, or rejecting compromise, is necessarily a  selfish act (and it is such a term women unfortunately label themselves when they think about themselves first). 
I believe that often there are people who are always the one to compromise.  This may seem unlikely, given the definition requires 'meeting in the middle', but there are people who seem to do the 'meeting' more often than the other.  These people forgo something important to them in order to 'make it work.'  Often this is not an issue.  We are quite often willing to do this as making it work is more important than getting everything we want.  However, in my musings on compromise I am drawn to question the compromise in which someone feels they have to forgo they strongly want or believe in just to 'make it work.'  Those who often sacrifice a value or belief in order to avoid a conflict or please someone else.  This is when compromise becomes a case of losing a part of yourself rather than a positive solution.  And while in the short term the compromise may seem the right decision, in the long wrong you are simply compromising who you are and what you really want.  Surely compromise is only successful if both parties are involved - that both are giving up something. 
This doesn't mean, of course, that we should not consider a compromise or that we should always strive only for what we want without any consideration of the other.  Often it is an excellent solution to a conflict.  It is a way to demonstrate an understanding of another and willingness to work with them. 
Maybe if we have to call it a 'compromise' we are already conceding that we are 'giving up' something that matters - and that giving it up actually affects us.  Otherwise we would call it...well, nothing...because it would have made the decision based on wanting the so-called 'compromise.'  We would make the decision simply because it is actually what we want.  Not about what we concede. 
However, I am willing to concede that some may not agree with my musings...I am willing to compromise on my ideas!  Let's meet in the middle...any thoughts?

The best part about being an adult

What’s the best part of being an adult?
I remember looking at my friends parents when I was a teenager and thinking that I couldn’t wait until I was an adult as you don’t have to worry about the problems that I was having at the time. 

Adults don’t have to worry about why their best friend isn’t talking to them.  They can buy clothes whenever they want, not when their mum can only afford it.  They can have that chocolate when they go shopping when they want to. They can have the latest brand name clothes and be in with the cool crowd.  They don’t have to worry about if their butt looks big in jeans because it’s ok to have a big butt when you’re older.  They don’t have to rely on anyone else to drive them somewhere, to name a few.

Now that I’m an adult, it’s funny to look back at those things that I wished for.
Adults still have to worry about why their best friend isn’t talking to them..sometimes it happens..and even worse, sometimes its family.  They can’t buy clothes whenever they want as they usually need to cloth everyone else first.  They can’t have chocolate when they go shopping whenever they want to because they calorie count now.  They can have the latest brand name clothes if they want, but they spend the earth and no one really notices anyway as cool crowds don’t seem to exist at this age and what you wear doesn’t really matter.  They do have to worry about if their butt looks big in jeans because it’s still not ok to have a big butt at any age according to the media.  They have to rely on themselves to drive themselves everywhere, pay for petrol and never get to enjoy being a passenger.

But I’m glad I’m an adult now and I wouldn’t trade it for being a kid again.
Because now I realise what the best thing about being an adult is:
I can make a cake mix and eat the whole damn lot if I want to.
THIS is the best part about being an adult.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

The Ex-Nail Biter

Biting nails.  I loved biting my nails.  I couldn’t understand why anybody would NOT want to indulge in such a self satisfying act. 
The thrill of getting that last..little..bit that was just annoying me so much.  The joy of chewing away whilst lost in my favourite TV show.
Although I was always disappointed with the look of my hands once I got all dressed up for a party or a nice outing…somehow my hands seemed to look feral all of a sudden with bits of skin hanging off here, little bits of blood there, but all would be forgiven once the nails grew a little and I started to chew again.

Then I got engaged.  My beautiful ring.  It couldn’t possibly be seen with nails and skin that were chewed down.  So I started to grow my nails.  I never knew my nails could be so beautiful, strong.  My skin was clear and perfect….and I didn’t get sick.

What?! Every year I would get the flu without fail.  Regardless if I had the flu shot or not, I would get the flu.  I accepted it as part of my fate.  However, I realised since I stopped biting my nails, not the flu, not a cold, NOTHING.

Which made me think of what I was touching with my fingers which I would then happily put in my mouth.  Money (gross!), petrol pumps (disgusting!). keyboards (after someone had sneezed on their hands!), door handles! The list goes on.
Who’s filthy germs were I putting in my own mouth? Everyone’s it seems.

So hence, my nails are long, my skin around the nails is clear.  And I no longer get sick

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Pressure - supermum, superbody.

Orlando Bloom & Miranda Kerr - MET Ball 2011 - miranda-kerr photoSo this is the picture that has caused many media commentators (and social gossips) to gush over how fabulous Miranda Kerr looks after "just giving birth."  How fabulous she is, what a supermum as well as supermodel she is, coming out in public looking so thin and happy.  Please, give us a break.  Yes, she looks gorgeous - she always has.  Her body looks great - it always has.  But to praise her as being something to aspire to as a 'new mum' isn't helpful - it just puts pressure on the reality - that women's bodies cannot miraculously return to their formal glory so quickly.  I'm not blaming Miranda Kerr for this.  She is entitled to look fabulous and feel good about herself.  It's the media that paint her as something extraordinary for being able to do so.  But look carefully at this photo and what she is wearing.  She has cleverly hidden the parts of the body that maybe even she could be a little self-conscious about after giving birth (the stomach, hips and thighs) with the wide skirt and tulle.  She as accentuated her upper-body which is amazing - even making the most of having larger breasts as a new mum!  What if she had worn a skin-tight dress that showed off maybe a little bit of a jelly-belly or even wider hips?  Would the media be praising her for embracing this body?  No.  They may not express negative comments but they certainly wouldn't be focusing on it in a positive way either.  
With all the education and awareness of body image in women I seem to get the impression that, while occasionally there is focus on representing 'normal' women in fashion, the pressure to be thin has actually only increased.  And has now entered the world of child-bearing - a time when traditionally it was expected to develop a bit of extra 'padding' - even seen as 'healthy.'  Now it's about how quickly can you get back to your 'before baby' size - or even more so - how to be smaller than before bubs.  The media constantly feed us images of celebrity mothers who have even 'better bodies' than before they gave birth.  What extraordinary women these are.  Showing us all that having a baby doesn't mean we have to change at all.  All dressed up as 'motivational' and 'inspirational' rather than the truth - pressure and yet another time we have to worry about our body image. 
However I do not doubt that these celebrity mums haven't worked to regain these bodies.  And I also understand that they are probably under more pressure than anyone else to return to a size 0.  But I also understand that it is a lot easier for them when they have the money, time and means to do so.  If we all had at our disposal and whim a nanny, nutritionist and personal trainer we would all 'bounce' back better than before.  You will also find that what feels like a quick transformation (wasn't she only pregnant two weeks ago?) is actually usually over a 6 - 12 month period.  We just haven't seen them in the media during that time, distracted by other celebrities to occupy magazine pages. 
This isn't about berating mothers who really want to, and work hard to, lose weight or regain fitness after having a baby.  Far from it.  It's about the pressure that is felt and how somehow observing 'post-baby' bodies has become part of our lives.  I see it all around me with my friends. Hear them say they can't lose the weight, or that they dislike their 'jelly-belly'.  And we all comment on how 'great' such-and-such looks since having the baby.  I saw photos of my best friend (living in another state) 8 months after the birth of her gorgeous girl and the first comment I made was 'gee she her body looks great.'  Even though she has always had a great body.  Sadly, my friend admitted that she felt the want and need for people to say to her 'you don't even look like you've had a baby!'  She didn't lose the kilos just to get back to a healthy non-pregnant weight; she lost the weight to get those comments, admitting that it is the wrong motivation.  She feels sad that she has given into this pressure. 
Rarely have I seen someone who was a thin person suddenly become the side of a truck or a large person really skinny.  I have found usually they are the same, maybe just a few kilos heavier or with a little jelly belly.  But change in the body is inevitable.  I watched a show in which they explained that it is biologically impossible to return to the same body after birth because the body naturally changes during pregnancy (particularly chest and pelvis) - not that you can' t lose weight but just that it will never be the exact same body.  Just a newer (and improved) version! 
When it comes to the post-baby body, it seems there is pressure from the media, from others and quite commonly, from ourselves.  Pressure to get back to our 'former selves.'  What is forgotten that in having a baby there is not returning to a 'former self.'   Just developing a new self.